Written by William Zhao ’29
Starting next fall, the University has announced that raccoons living on-campus will be required to pay for dining plans. Previously, the furriest inhabitants of campus had been part of a free-trash-can-buffet system, relying on the generous abundance of waste bins around campus and the amply food-wasting habits of university students.
However, in a push to shore up the budget in light of cuts to federal funding, the University has been forced to take drastic measures. Vice-President for Campus (wild)Life Diana Princesston explained the changes in a paw-delivered letter to the raccoon community on campus, saying that the changes “will foster a tighter, symbiotic community, filled with human-animal synergy.” Moreover, celebrating what the University would do with the funds collected from the hard-pressed raccoons, she added, “requiring animal life on campus to pay for dining plans will finally fund real motorcycles for all varsity athletes and allow for an expansion of the physics department, both long-wanted improvements in student life.”
The changes were made in consultation with Heron Consulting Group, an outside consulting group hired by University administration. The report claimed that the change in diet would benefit the raccoons’ diets: “Less greasy, thrown-away Wawa, more salad bar.”
The raccoons on campus were not notified of the changes beforehand. The plan has drawn widespread condemnation among the raccoon community, with a protest outside Nassau Hall under the slogans “masked but not marginalized” and “give me trash or give me death.” When asked for comment, the leader of the protests, Furry McPaws, simply snarled and growled.
Students of the University seemed to hold mixed opinions about the new changes. One freshman, Jim Jumbo, expressed concern for the raccoons, claiming that he would have sympathy for any living creature subject to the Whitman Dining Hall. However, other students were less sympathetic, saying that the changes were long overdue. “I’m an animal. They’re animals. Why do I have to pay, and they don’t?” asked one particularly ardent SPIA major on a pre-law track.
Princeton Dining Services announced that in conjunction with the shift in demographics, they would be delighted to serve oven-baked junk with a side of litter on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays in Choi Dining Hall. Wise Princetonians should stay away for their own safety.
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