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Written by Richie N.C. West ’28. Edited by Yara Almoussa ‘28 and Elena Eiss ‘28.

On FDOC, I was betrayed. I stepped foot into the Hogwarts-style rooms of the Rockefeller and Mathey dining hall, lovingly known as RoMa, and made an immediate beeline for the grill. As a humble Princetonian of simple desires, I knew exactly what I came here for: the crispy chicken patty.

“It’s here,” I whispered to my dear friend, Charlie C. IV from Butler College. “I’ve been dreaming of this for the last three and a half months. Every day, at my IIP in Switzerland, all I could think about was this here chicken patty.”

I could smell the ambiguous mix of oil and grease from a mile away. My heart felt its presence near and dear, and all I could think of was its glorious, breaded crust and the delicious juicy white meat that lay beneath. 

In moments, I was to be reunited with the love of my life.

I reached the grill and stood in the long line to get food. With the Frist lunch hours changing, everyone flocked to either RoMa or Yeh. I think Forbes was still empty, as always. But it didn’t matter to me. Frist and Yeh and Whitman and Forbes could have every food in the world but they wouldn’t have my love.

When I finally reached the glorious metal box that would hold my love, I was ecstatic. However, it was nowhere to be found.

In its place was a sad excuse of a chicken patty. 

Immediately, I knew who the culprit behind this sad excuse for a chicken patty was – or rather, what. The recent increase in financial aid, providing families who make up to 250k with free tuition, took well-deserved money away from my beloved chicken patty. 

I pay full tuition. I understand the value of tuition. People who make 250k don’t need free tuition. They can afford that – and if they can’t, they can take out loans just like every hard-working American and spend a year or two paying them off. It’s not that deep.

However, now, I can’t see my tuition come to fruition. I pay for highly renowned professors, quality research, and this glorious chicken patty. “Giving families who make 250k a break” is a lame justification for the university divesting its money away from the quality of food we eat.

Princetonians far and wide, we must unite on this issue. RoMa can no longer take away the things we deserve, and the things that us hard-working, full-tuition-payers are funding. 

Princeton, we call on you to decrease financial aid as much as possible – as much as needed – so that we can have our beloved chicken patty return to the way it was last year:

Juicy, tender, and crispy. 

Richie N.C. West ‘28 on behalf of Tuition Payers for Chicken Patties

Elena Eiss ‘28 and Yara Almoussa ‘28

To create the change this student and many others want to see on campus, we asked our newest Tiger Magazine recruits to help brainstorm some money-saving measures the university can adopt to make Princeton great again. Here are some of their suggestions:

Selling a Gutenberg Bible

All those precious texts just lying around Firestone C-Floor, gathering dust…why not put them to work? With only so many Gutenberg Bibles still around, we bet ours would sell for a pretty penny. Plus, we hear they come up with new editions of the Bible all the time, so what’s one less in Stone?

Getting Rid of Forbes Lunch

One of the most lamented budget cuts so far has been the reduced hours of Frist Late Meal lunch to…just Late Meal hours. We propose the reopening of everyone’s favorite lunch spot from 11am-4pm and INSTEAD just get rid of Forbes lunch to make up the difference. Think about it: miles away from the rest of campus, who even goes to Forbes lunch? Forbesians? You know they don’t count. 

Cutting the Prince Humor Section

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Rolling Blackouts on Prospect Avenue on Saturday Nights

Saves bills and the planet, just maybe not you from tripping over the curb. Nobody needs lights when they’re already blacking out.

Sell Nassau Hall to the Nassau Inn

Picture this: Your parents are in town, looking for a place to stay. You are looking to get out of a sticky honor code violation situation. Well look at that–your parents’ room at the Nassau Inn Hall Suites™ is right next to President Christopher Eisgruber’s office! How convenient! Encourage them to grab coffee or make a well-timed donation. Bada-bing bada-boom. Honor code violation gone.

Fox Trapping

It’s okay—once NCW gets renamed, they can choose a new mascot. Plus, fox trapping could make new, much-needed opportunities for student employment as well as locally-sourced residential college coats.

Turning East Pyne into a Spirit Halloween During Fall Semester

Partnering with Spirit Halloween would really fill a gap in Princeton’s shopping scene. Lululemon, Urban Outfitters, now Brandy Melville, but no Spirit??? Disgraceful. University-specific merchandise could include costumes like the Ghost of Dean’s Date, the Dinky Devil, Performative Precept Male, and F. Scott Fitzgerald But Sexy.

Selling the Forbes Annex to a Private Prison Company

It’s more than halfway there already. Everyone waitlisted after room draw in the spring can join as the Annex’s first inmates along with any first years who share their SAT scores. 

Cutting the Math Department

No explanation needed.

We trust our suggestions will be heard by the university—if not by the administration, by its students. Stay strong out there. Look out for further action steps from the Princeton Tiger in the near future…