Author: gm1638

By William Zhao ‘29 and Vihaan Jim ‘29

Fine Hall in comparison with blueprint plans for Finer Hall

In a recent change, led by the artistic temperament of President Eistopher Chrisgruber, the University has decided that Fine Hall is not, in fact, fine. Indeed, Mr. Chrisgruber has even found the building quite repugnant. Accordingly, the University administration has announced the construction of a new building: Finer Hall. 

For generations of Princetonians, the pinkish hue of Fine Hall has housed the mathematics department. Supporters of the building have praised its brutalist style, calling it a masterpiece in harmony between constructed spaces and interior atmospheres. Meanwhile, critics have long pointed out the looming, phallic shape of the building, calling it apt for their relationship with mathematics exams. 

According to the University’s announcement, the new fifty-story Finer Hall will be taller, tanner, more toned, and more girthy. Architect Robert Builder was effusive in his praise of the new building: “Finer Hall will stand as a testament to proportionality: replete with a 24-pack of windows, tanned exterior, bricked-up facade, muscular toned columns, sweeping verticality, overawing curve, and domineering presence.” 

When asked for comment, Professor Addison Subtracson, a lecturer in the mathematics department, said: “Our new building will finally prove our dominance over the physics department, living in their three-story shanty known as Jadwin Hall. It is also my hope that being able to take girls home to such a beautiful establishment will help some of our male math majors finally get dates.” 

However, some within the math department have been left disappointed by the plans for Finer Hall. “We had hoped for a building unbounded in height, or ‘infinitely tall’ in laymen’s terms,” lamented Professor Taylor Series, a prominent mathematical analyst who contacted The Princeton Tiger to voice her concerns. “More formally, given any sequence of balls centered at the base of the building, with each ball growing ever larger, Finer Hall would soar above them all. Unfortunately, as the proposed design is finitely tall, a pair of balls only 500 feet in diameter would easily constrain the building.”

Nevertheless, most math faculty agree that Finer Hall will be a vast improvement when erected.

by Charlotte Sussman ’29

With October 31st right around the corner, Princeton is getting into the Halloween spirit, and transportation is no exception. In a widely-circulated Instagram post from October 2nd, the Princeton E-Bikes Ensemble (PEE) announced plans to celebrate Halloween by scaring everyone. What was initially believed to be a joke turned into frightening reality when students returned from Fall Break to find E-bikes everywhere, driving in a way that could be mistaken for a Fast & Furious audition.

“It’s getting out of hand,” said Joe Josephs ‘28. “At the start of the year, they were just going around, and I was like, ‘Wow, okay, annoying,’ but that was all it was. But then, after that post, they got braver. Yesterday, one just drove right over my foot. Now it’s all red. See?” [Photos not included]

Josephs isn’t the only unhappy student. In the wake of PEE’s announcement, walkers everywhere declared plans to read their phones in the middle of the street as an act of protest. Bikers responded by completely ignoring their peers and continuing to whiz right by as if driving through an open field. 

And it’s not just on Princeton’s campus. In the last six months, 92% of all people everywhere who have ever existed reported irreversible damage to left pinky toes sustained in e-bike-related incidents, and 65% of no people nowhere who have never existed confirmed that they, too, were suffering. 

However, not everyone is upset about PEE’s participation in the Halloween festivities. The Princeton Physics Department published a statement commending PEE for “making space in Halloween celebration for everything that’s really scary” and announced plans to contribute to the holiday cheer by creating “the most frightening PSETS the world has ever seen.” 

At a club meeting on October 20th, PEE president Elizabeth “Hotwheels” Smith discussed the new movement. “Look, we just want everyone to be included in the Halloween fun,” Smith declared. “It’s not all about ghosts and zombies. We should be able to acknowledge the truly terrifying things in life. Halloween is a lot like Thanksgiving, but sinister and evil. Besides, we’re just spreading joy. Think of it like we’re saying Trick-or-Treat, but instead of Trick-or-Treat, it’s Get-Out-Of-My-Way-Or-I-Will-Obliterate-You.” 

At press time, Smith refused to answer questions, instead rolling away on a motorized tricycle.

Written By Asya Morozov ’29

In an unexpected and momentous decision, Princeton has decided to eliminate the SHARE play from future freshman Orientations. This cut has left students wallowing, as the play had accumulated a mass cult following amongst the Great Class of 2029.

“Why would we make freshmen sit and watch a piece that their fellow students clearly put a lot of effort and thought into?” said Princeton President Eistopher Chrisgruber ’38. “There are much more eloquent ways to express fundamental ideas about sexual harassment and assault than a 3-hour play.”

Eloquent or not, the SHARE play carved out a special place in the current freshman cohort’s hearts. Students still point out whenever they see ‘Tommy,’ ‘Ollie,’ or any of the show’s other characters in real life (they do happen to be students here). So why get rid of the SHARE play?

“I promise it is not because of the budget cuts,” said Dean Gherkin. “We made this cut fully of our own will. It was precisely our decision to remove the SHARE play.”

Administration’s reasoning doesn’t seem to be swaying students, though. Marge Whiteman ’28 and Muckolm Fourbes ’29 have come out as advocates for the return of the SHARE play.

“I was so looking forward to playing the abusive girlfriend character. I mean, ‘evil’ and ‘cruel’ is all my exes call me,” said Whiteman. “The SHARE play was going to be my breakout role.”

“The SHARE play changed my life. I know what consent is now, and women deserve respect,” said Fourbes, in tears.

Fourbes brings up an important point – the SHARE play teaches valuable lessons about consent and understanding when it is freely given. Will administration provide any alternatives for freshmen to learn this crucial lesson? As a matter of fact…

“We will be replacing the SHARE play with an all-class walk across the Whitman Yes Bridge.

All incoming freshmen need to know about consent will be written right beneath their feet – an all-caps, impossible-to-miss YES! What better example can we give of verbal and enthusiastic consent? Nobody knows who the bridge is quoting anyway, so we might as well give it a purpose,” said Chrisgruber.

And thus, we bid farewell to the era of the SHARE play, the 3-hour long epic that defined Orientation for the Class of ’29 and its predecessors. Let us give our enthusiastic consent to the coming of this new era as we welcome the Class of ’30 next year and walk over the Yes Bridge ourselves to remember SHARE’s valuable lessons.

Written by William Zhao ’29

Starting next fall, the University has announced that raccoons living on-campus will be required to pay for dining plans. Previously, the furriest inhabitants of campus had been part of a free-trash-can-buffet system, relying on the generous abundance of waste bins around campus and the amply food-wasting habits of university students.

However, in a push to shore up the budget in light of cuts to federal funding, the University has been forced to take drastic measures. Vice-President for Campus (wild)Life Diana Princesston explained the changes in a paw-delivered letter to the raccoon community on campus, saying that the changes “will foster a tighter, symbiotic community, filled with human-animal synergy.” Moreover, celebrating what the University would do with the funds collected from the hard-pressed raccoons, she added, “requiring animal life on campus to pay for dining plans will finally fund real motorcycles for all varsity athletes and allow for an expansion of the physics department, both long-wanted improvements in student life.”

The changes were made in consultation with Heron Consulting Group, an outside consulting group hired by University administration. The report claimed that the change in diet would benefit the raccoons’ diets: “Less greasy, thrown-away Wawa, more salad bar.” 

The raccoons on campus were not notified of the changes beforehand. The plan has drawn widespread condemnation among the raccoon community, with a protest outside Nassau Hall under the slogans “masked but not marginalized” and “give me trash or give me death.” When asked for comment, the leader of the protests, Furry McPaws, simply snarled and growled.

Students of the University seemed to hold mixed opinions about the new changes. One freshman, Jim Jumbo, expressed concern for the raccoons, claiming that he would have sympathy for any living creature subject to the Whitman Dining Hall. However, other students were less sympathetic, saying that the changes were long overdue. “I’m an animal. They’re animals. Why do I have to pay, and they don’t?” asked one particularly ardent SPIA major on a pre-law track. 

Princeton Dining Services announced that in conjunction with the shift in demographics, they would be delighted to serve oven-baked junk with a side of litter on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays in Choi Dining Hall. Wise Princetonians should stay away for their own safety.

Written by Richie N.C. West ’28. Edited by Yara Almoussa ‘28 and Elena Eiss ‘28.

On FDOC, I was betrayed. I stepped foot into the Hogwarts-style rooms of the Rockefeller and Mathey dining hall, lovingly known as RoMa, and made an immediate beeline for the grill. As a humble Princetonian of simple desires, I knew exactly what I came here for: the crispy chicken patty.

“It’s here,” I whispered to my dear friend, Charlie C. IV from Butler College. “I’ve been dreaming of this for the last three and a half months. Every day, at my IIP in Switzerland, all I could think about was this here chicken patty.”

I could smell the ambiguous mix of oil and grease from a mile away. My heart felt its presence near and dear, and all I could think of was its glorious, breaded crust and the delicious juicy white meat that lay beneath. 

In moments, I was to be reunited with the love of my life.

I reached the grill and stood in the long line to get food. With the Frist lunch hours changing, everyone flocked to either RoMa or Yeh. I think Forbes was still empty, as always. But it didn’t matter to me. Frist and Yeh and Whitman and Forbes could have every food in the world but they wouldn’t have my love.

When I finally reached the glorious metal box that would hold my love, I was ecstatic. However, it was nowhere to be found.

In its place was a sad excuse of a chicken patty. 

Immediately, I knew who the culprit behind this sad excuse for a chicken patty was – or rather, what. The recent increase in financial aid, providing families who make up to 250k with free tuition, took well-deserved money away from my beloved chicken patty. 

I pay full tuition. I understand the value of tuition. People who make 250k don’t need free tuition. They can afford that – and if they can’t, they can take out loans just like every hard-working American and spend a year or two paying them off. It’s not that deep.

However, now, I can’t see my tuition come to fruition. I pay for highly renowned professors, quality research, and this glorious chicken patty. “Giving families who make 250k a break” is a lame justification for the university divesting its money away from the quality of food we eat.

Princetonians far and wide, we must unite on this issue. RoMa can no longer take away the things we deserve, and the things that us hard-working, full-tuition-payers are funding. 

Princeton, we call on you to decrease financial aid as much as possible – as much as needed – so that we can have our beloved chicken patty return to the way it was last year:

Juicy, tender, and crispy. 

Richie N.C. West ‘28 on behalf of Tuition Payers for Chicken Patties

Elena Eiss ‘28 and Yara Almoussa ‘28

To create the change this student and many others want to see on campus, we asked our newest Tiger Magazine recruits to help brainstorm some money-saving measures the university can adopt to make Princeton great again. Here are some of their suggestions:

Selling a Gutenberg Bible

All those precious texts just lying around Firestone C-Floor, gathering dust…why not put them to work? With only so many Gutenberg Bibles still around, we bet ours would sell for a pretty penny. Plus, we hear they come up with new editions of the Bible all the time, so what’s one less in Stone?

Getting Rid of Forbes Lunch

One of the most lamented budget cuts so far has been the reduced hours of Frist Late Meal lunch to…just Late Meal hours. We propose the reopening of everyone’s favorite lunch spot from 11am-4pm and INSTEAD just get rid of Forbes lunch to make up the difference. Think about it: miles away from the rest of campus, who even goes to Forbes lunch? Forbesians? You know they don’t count. 

Cutting the Prince Humor Section

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Rolling Blackouts on Prospect Avenue on Saturday Nights

Saves bills and the planet, just maybe not you from tripping over the curb. Nobody needs lights when they’re already blacking out.

Sell Nassau Hall to the Nassau Inn

Picture this: Your parents are in town, looking for a place to stay. You are looking to get out of a sticky honor code violation situation. Well look at that–your parents’ room at the Nassau Inn Hall Suites™ is right next to President Christopher Eisgruber’s office! How convenient! Encourage them to grab coffee or make a well-timed donation. Bada-bing bada-boom. Honor code violation gone.

Fox Trapping

It’s okay—once NCW gets renamed, they can choose a new mascot. Plus, fox trapping could make new, much-needed opportunities for student employment as well as locally-sourced residential college coats.

Turning East Pyne into a Spirit Halloween During Fall Semester

Partnering with Spirit Halloween would really fill a gap in Princeton’s shopping scene. Lululemon, Urban Outfitters, now Brandy Melville, but no Spirit??? Disgraceful. University-specific merchandise could include costumes like the Ghost of Dean’s Date, the Dinky Devil, Performative Precept Male, and F. Scott Fitzgerald But Sexy.

Selling the Forbes Annex to a Private Prison Company

It’s more than halfway there already. Everyone waitlisted after room draw in the spring can join as the Annex’s first inmates along with any first years who share their SAT scores. 

Cutting the Math Department

No explanation needed.

We trust our suggestions will be heard by the university—if not by the administration, by its students. Stay strong out there. Look out for further action steps from the Princeton Tiger in the near future…