Author: gm1638

Georgia Martin ’27

We here at TigerMag just want to let you know that EVERYTHING IS FINE AND NOTHING IS WRONG. We know this because there has never been any issue in the world or in our local community that has affected anyone, so it must be the case that there is nothing bad in the world ever. In fact, we heard from our president and the president that our campus and our country are doing better than ever. That must be the truth, since there’s nobody on campus or in the country saying anything to the contrary.

Therefore, don’t fret, BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS FINE AND NOTHING IS WRONG. Those in power will always tell the truth, never lie, and certainly never be swayed by any sort of corporate greed or the influence of money. So, we here at TigerMag know that THERE IS 100% NOTHING WRONG BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS FINE. 

Yes, you are supposed to feel like shit every day. No, you aren’t supposed to have enough money to do anything about it. Yes, you need a Tesla. No, you don’t need the Department of Education, are you crazy? Reading isn’t important anymore, duh. We know this, because why else would any of this happen? Obviously, it was always meant to be this way and you’ve gotta embrace the good times ahead of you.

If you are worried, you are stupid, because EVERYTHING IS FINE AND NOTHING IS WRONG. If something were wrong, someone would tell you, and nobody has. You don’t have to think critically about what’s going on. As long as the machine keeps moving, EVERYTHING IS FINE AND NOTHING IS WRONG.

I mean if something were wrong, people would do something, right? If something were wrong, someone would tell you and you would all do something. It’s not like it’s difficult to stop the government or to stop someone crazy from doing something crazy. So since nothing’s stopped the machine from moving, it can’t be doing anything wrong.

See, EVERYTHING IS FINE AND NOTHING IS WRONG.

Mira Ho-Chen ‘26 and Juna Brothers ‘28

Last Friday, the syllabus for the next semester of the Humanities (HUM) Sequence was published. The course aims to give first-year students a taste of some of the greatest works of writing in the Western canon, from ancient philosophy to contemporary fiction. To the surprise of some, the spot typically reserved for one Black author (chosen randomly via online generator) was replaced by Colleen Hoover, an author with blonde highlights and millennial Instagram captions.

Following the Trump Administration’s ban on DEI programming, HUM faculty no longer felt the need to teach authors of color. “I was so tired of pretending this entire sequence isn’t just a White guy highlight reel,” faculty member Claudia Little stated, “and teaching writers like Morrison and Fanon kinda ruin our uncritical embrace of empire.” Granted, the last time HUM taught Fanon’s Wretched of the Earth, they only assigned the acknowledgements. “The rest of the book threatened to change our worldview, so we didn’t feel comfortable teaching it,” Little remarked.

“We feel that Hoover offers a perspective that is most valuable given the current times,” HUM sequence spokesperson James Murray said. “We always try to have a section dedicated to popular culture. You know, Shakespeare, Breugel, Cervantes…and now Colleen.”

This choice marks a key divergence––for the past three years, students had read American abolitionist Fredrick Douglass’ My Bondage and My Freedom. Not everyone is a fan of this change. Gina Hollins, associate professor of English, briefly fought against this decision.

“For a while the faculty were worried because if we cut Douglass then there wouldn’t be any opportunities to say the N-word,” Hollins said. “But then we realized that if we put To Kill a Mockingbird on the syllabus then we could have another White author and also say the N-word.” Hollins is White, but informed us that she’s “a little bit Portuguese,” which, in her eyes, allows her to “say all slurs, even the gay ones.”

The Tiger spoke to several HUM students. Most were indifferent about the decision––they were only concerned about how many pages of Hoover they were assigned to not read and then pretend to know everything about in precept. 

Former HUM student Kennedie Johnson was surprised to learn that Douglass was a prolific writer, as well as a Black man. Professors had redacted every reference to race in the book in pursuit of a colorblind education.

“I just thought it was a story about a guy moving from his small town to make it as a writer in the big city,” Johnson said. 

The Humanities Council convened a special research colloquium on Hoover’s work the day after the new syllabus was released. Several “BookTok” influencers gave testimony. Despite being present for this event, Johnson left with no idea who Hoover is. 

“They kept saying things like how Colleen Hoover is a key figure in the ‘modern canon,’” Johnson said. “I thought they meant she was a member of Cannon Club. Was she an athlete?”  The Tiger contacted Hoover’s representation, who declined to comment. But they sent a free copy of It Starts With Us, the sequel to It Ends With Us, and a themed coloring book. We also reached out to Douglass for input, but didn’t hear anything back.

Lucy Harper ’28 (and British)

Have you been a victim of the Princeton University Band (PUB, pronounced ‘pee-you-bee’) in the last two years? Have you accidentally told someone that you play a wind or brass instrument and been immediately added to some listserv telling you that rehearsal is at 7? Then look no further than the all new helpline ‘The PUB Support Centre’ – a 24/7 calling service to aid all musicians in need, no matter the place or time. (Charges required for those calling from Forbes).  

This all began in the bright spring of 1919 when PUB was unfortunately founded. Yes, you might believe that their cheerful smiles and unwavering support of our D1 athletes might imply that they are in some ways humanoid in behaviour, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. Here are the signs to look out for to know that you may be at risk from the PUB’s indoctrination.

1. Do you play an instrument?
2. Have you ever played an instrument?
3. Have you ever considered playing an instrument? 
4. Would you consider right now playing an instrument? 
5. Do you listen to music?
6. Have you ever listened to music before? 

The PUB members themselves might indeed have asked you these very questions. In which case, it’s already too late. 

Campus musicians have spoken out. Samanatha T., Professional Recorder Player, told the Princeton Tiger – “I don’t know how it happened. One minute I told [PUB. Member redacted] that I was thinking of joining an ensemble on campus, the next I was wearing Plaid.” Charlie C. from Butler College told us “I’d never even played an instrument before. Now I’m the PUB’s Main Lamppost Player.”

Lives changed forever, but PUB’s members are somehow dwindling in numbers despite their horrific efforts to expand. Which is why it is now more than ever important to protect Princeton Musicians.  

Call us if you feel at risk of being forced to join the insidious institution known as Princeton University Band at +1 (800) STOP-PUB. We’re here to listen. (Terms and Conditions apply to those in Forbes). 

Editor’s Note: Sadly, Lucy Harper ‘28 was quickly captured by the PUB and is now proud to have attended March Madness with them to cheer on our Women’s Basketball Team.

Danny Smiley ‘28

On March 17th, 2025, the Princeton University Office of Undergraduate Admissions announced the expansion of full financial aid to students with families earning less than exactly $200,001 per year. This statement comes just minutes after Harvard University pledged to be tuition-free to families earning less than $200,000 per year—a noticeably smaller number than Princeton’s far more generous financial aid income cap.

In the press release, Princeton’s Office of Communications acknowledged Harvard’s recent financial aid changes, stating, “While we appreciate the efforts of our fellow universities to foster a more diverse and equitable student body, it should be recognized that we’re gonna do a way better job at it than those other schools.” According to research done by the University, the one dollar increase over Harvard should mean that Princeton’s Class of 2029 will be approximately 500% more diverse and “like a bazillion times” more equitable than that of any other Ivy League, “especially those nerds up in Cambridge.”

In an exclusive Tiger Magazine interview with the Dean of Admission and Financial Aid, Karen Richardson said, “I mean, I’m sure it’s great that these kids will be poor or whatever, but the focus of this change is the continuation of the centuries-long rivalry with those inferior Ivies. With this announcement, we want to focus on what really matters to the University: petty squabbling and one-upmanship. Put simply, we’re better than everyone else, and we want to make sure they know it.” When asked about why this change wasn’t made last November, when the University of Pennsylvania also increased their financial aid income cap to $200,000, Richardson responded, “Nobody cares about that loser school. Do you seriously expect me to believe anyone would willingly go to UPenn, even with full financial aid? Have you even been to Philly?” Jalen Hurts did not immediately respond to a request for comment.

While many Princeton students seem to be grateful for the increased aid, Tiger Magazine couldn’t be bothered talking to those peasants, so instead we interviewed local bourgeois James McCosh VI ‘26. McCosh expressed his indifference to the news, saying, “yeah, I really just don’t care. Hey, you want a building named after you?”

Despite the confidence in Princeton’s superiority, rumors have begun circulating about the ⅄ale admissions department raising the financial aid income cap to $200,001.01. Tiger Magazine will continue to provide updates as events unfold. 

This is staff writer Danny Smiley, signing off from the newly-renamed McCosh-Smiley Hall.

Yara Almoussa ’28

For the past 2 weeks, citizens of the world have reported a string of unexpected and terrifying events that are presumed to have originated from Princeton University. A longstanding tradition for many student organizations on the Ivy League campus, “pickups,” has seeped out of the Orange Bubble and into the rest of the world.

Club pickups at Princeton University are typically an exciting ordeal for newly-accepted members. According to Dr. Stat Estishan of the Statistics department at Princeton, an average of 9 auditions and 12+ years of experience are required to join a performing arts group. For consulting groups, the average application has at least 10 500-word essays and a required minimum salary of $500,000 per annum. Club pickups and the initiations that follow are seen as a “light at the end of a long, dark, musty tunnel” according to Charlie C. from Butler College.

“Pickups were definitely a fun way to join a new club, but I didn’t expect them to happen in the way they did,” said Charlie C. “I mean, one moment I was making out with my Marriage Pact match in the East Asian Library, and the next I was blindfolded in the back of the Band Van on my way to get waterboarded in Lake Carnegie. I didn’t even join the Band, and I have no idea how Tiger Investments got access to that van anyways.”

While this tradition may appear enthralling for Princetonians, the rest of the world is not as accustomed to these rituals.

“I was shocked,” reports Bruno Maurs. “I was at my great uncle three times removed’s funeral, and suddenly, a 5-part harmony chorus sounded into the room. They called themselves the Nassoons, or something like that. They grabbed my 4th cousin four times removed, Layton Meel, and stole him away for what they called initiations.”

Club pickups have placed strains on emergency departments as well. Nurse Pi Amsee noted a record spike in bodily injuries and shared her frustrations with The Princeton Tiger: 

“These stupid fucking kids always make my job a little harder on the weekends with their alcohol poisoning and weed-induced psychosis, but now they’re doing these pickups on Tuesday evenings. I just wanted to go home before midnight, but suddenly a dozen kids from a place called, like, ‘Fern’ or ‘Vine’ club came in with broken ribs and black eyes. Apparently, for every gram of cocaine they refused to do, a current member could beat them up for a minute or so.”

While Nurse Pi Amsee describes these pickups as “hazing,” Gertie M., a recent patient at the Penn Medical Center and a member of an undisclosed Eating Club on campus, disagrees. 

“This wasn’t hazing, no, not at all,” Gertie argues. “It was a challenge by choice and I could opt out the entire time. I mean, sure, I didn’t wanna get FOMO but I could’ve said no at any time! My privileges in this club would never be revoked if I said no, right? RIGHT?!”

Dates are being interrupted, funeral proceedings are disrespected, club memberships are threatened, and first responders are overwhelmed. According to TigerMag’s head chief investigator, Dr. Chi F.N. Veste-Gator, the pickups have reached every continent. From metropolitan Tokyo to rural Siberia and even Forbes, these club pickups have no constraints on where they will occur next. For now, it is best to lock your windows and doors securely, make a plan for when these pickups find you, and most importantly, refrain from joining any clubs on campus.

Oh, except for TigerMag. Join TigerMag.

Luke Schrieber ’28

President Eisgruber has been in the news a lot this past year, with the encampments, the pressure to move to Hoboken, the Supreme Court overturning affirmative action, and so on. Now, everyone knows that the affirmative action debates will resolve themselves at some point or another. The main issue currently facing Princeton, and frankly, the United States of America, is whether or not the campus should be moved to the amazing town of Hoboken, New Jersey.

According to official sources, Princeton students gripe about everything from midterms, to food quality, to the hole in their backpack through which I keep losing my Hoboken stickers, to grades. Yet, Princeton students complain by far the most about the campus not being in Hoboken, NJ. Hoboken is similar to Princeton, in that it is a town in the great state of New Jersey. However, Hoboken has various qualities that make many students question why Princeton University would ever be in Princeton.

Hoboken, the birthplace of Frank Sinatra, is also where the first Oreo was sold, where the first brewery in America was created, where baseball began, where the zipper was invented, where the first Blimpie Sandwich Shop was opened, where the person who created the waffle cone was from, and so much more. The crime rate is reported to be 0%, the homeless population is 0, and the diversity is 100%. In the Daily Princetonian’s Frosh Survey, the most popular response to “Where is your dream place to live?,” was “Hoboken,” followed by “Paris,” then “HBKN” (the most common abbreviation for Hoboken). 

Not only students have suggested moving to Hoboken. Faculty, alumni, and other humans have also taken notice. When asked about the consequences of a hyperpolarized America, Democratic House leader Hakeem Jeffries said, “The only thing counterbalancing a polarizing U.S.A. right now is the shared love for Hoboken, New Jersey. Republicans and I disagree on many subjects, but Hoboken is not and will never be one of them. It is perhaps the sole unifying force of this country. It is truly shocking that Princeton University has yet to move their campus to Hoboken.”

President Eisgruber, under pressure from the board, is expected to move Princeton University’s main campus to Hoboken some time in the coming year. The primary question is now when, and will we become “Hoboken University?” I certainly hope so.

Elena Eiss ’28

Chaos broke out at Tiger Inn last Sunday at what was intended to be a light-hearted, unassuming Groundhog Day-themed rager. Fueled by sports betting-inspired rage, at least thirty Princeton undergrads were sent to the new Frist Health Center following a major brawl over the six-more-weeks-of-winter verdict from Punxsutawney Phil. 

The Groundhog Day Darty has long been a tradition of Tiger Inn (TI), with similar celebrations by the eating club dating all the way back to when the quintessential Pennsylvanian rodent was given his legal name of Phil in 1961. Past events have involved everything from costumed weather-predicting reenactments to groundhog-themed trivia to screenings of the hit 1993 film Groundhog Day. TI has even sponsored trips for members to Punxsutawney on February 2nd for the holiday on multiple occasions in the past.

The 2025 TI Groundhog Day Darty was supposed to be no different with one exception: the introduction of sports-style betting on Punxsutawney Phil’s prediction.

TI’s doors opened at 6:25 am Sunday exactly one hour before sunrise in Punxsutawney when Phil would make his prediction. TVs and projectors were set up in every room of the eating club to broadcast news coverage of Phil’s prediction, and speakers blasted what the club could only assume would be Phil’s choice in music: the deluxe version of the Charlie XCX album Brat (given the similarity in name to the groundhog’s species relative the rat). Students quickly filed into TI despite the early hours given the occasion and the social capital gained by making it onto the Groundhog Day Darty list. Morning beers were passed around the tap room along with heaping plates of the traditional Pennsylvanian delicacy of scrapple, but the real showstopper was a massive, seven-tiered, hyperrealistic, groundhog-topped cake.

Just past the eating club’s bouncers sat TI treasurer-turned-bookie Nancy Taylor ‘25 at a table with an old-timey cash register and an Excel spreadsheet pulled up on her 2024 MacBook Pro. The plan was simple: party guests would place bets on whether Punxsutawney Phil would see his shadow or not.

 In an exclusive interview with Tiger Mag Sunday evening, Taylor told us “I didn’t think it would be that big a deal! The thing sees its shadow or it doesn’t. But people took it so seriously… There was one guy who handed me five Benjamins and gave me the exact number of nanoseconds he thought it would take for that lame groundhog to see its shadow.”

By sunrise in Punxsutawney, TI had received over $20,000 in bets.

For the first time in an hour, the whole club went silent as everyone waited anxiously for Phil’s prediction: six more weeks of winter. 

TI erupted in shouts. At first, they were the shrieks of the year’s lucky winners and ill-fated losers. Rita Hanson ‘26, who had bet $1.5k that Phil would predict six more weeks of winter after eleven seconds seemed to be the biggest victor. Hanson got up on the table where the hyperrealistic groundhog cake resided and screamed louder than everyone else “You don’t know groundhogs like I know groundhogs, you schmucks!” 

Ned Ryerson ‘27 shouted back “It was ten seconds, you phake Phil phan!” Soon enough, the shouting turned argumentative as friends turned on friends, ten-seconders turned on eleven-seconders, and hands went flying as things got feisty.

Though no one managed to see which unlucky early-spring-guesser grabbed Hanson’s ankle, one tug was all it took to send her careening into the seven-tiered groundhog cake. The cake—whose chocolate-frosted layers were meant to look like Phil’s famous tree stump—crashed into the crowd, leaving dozens knocked to the ground with cake concussions. 

The TI Groundhog Day Darty Incident has served as the new Frist Health Center’s first real test since it opened in January. Students were treated for wounds earned participating in the initial slap fight-turned full-on brawl, falling victim to the falling layer cake, and stampeding out of TI as fast as they could. Additionally, one student who has asked to remain anonymous out of threat of embarrassment had to undergo rabies treatment after the real live groundhog he tried to smuggle in bit him. “Turns out: not the vibe,” Buster Green ‘28 of Yeh College Hariri 2nd floor said as he showed Tiger Mag reporters the small wound on his arm. “Youch.”
Class of ‘27 Phil Connors, who was not in attendance, told Tiger Mag he wasn’t surprised by the turn of events. “Eh, same thing happened at yesterday’s Groundhog Darty. And at the one the day before. And the one the day before that.”