Written By Asya Morozov ’29
In an unexpected and momentous decision, Princeton has decided to eliminate the SHARE play from future freshman Orientations. This cut has left students wallowing, as the play had accumulated a mass cult following amongst the Great Class of 2029.
“Why would we make freshmen sit and watch a piece that their fellow students clearly put a lot of effort and thought into?” said Princeton President Eistopher Chrisgruber ’38. “There are much more eloquent ways to express fundamental ideas about sexual harassment and assault than a 3-hour play.”
Eloquent or not, the SHARE play carved out a special place in the current freshman cohort’s hearts. Students still point out whenever they see ‘Tommy,’ ‘Ollie,’ or any of the show’s other characters in real life (they do happen to be students here). So why get rid of the SHARE play?
“I promise it is not because of the budget cuts,” said Dean Gherkin. “We made this cut fully of our own will. It was precisely our decision to remove the SHARE play.”
Administration’s reasoning doesn’t seem to be swaying students, though. Marge Whiteman ’28 and Muckolm Fourbes ’29 have come out as advocates for the return of the SHARE play.
“I was so looking forward to playing the abusive girlfriend character. I mean, ‘evil’ and ‘cruel’ is all my exes call me,” said Whiteman. “The SHARE play was going to be my breakout role.”
“The SHARE play changed my life. I know what consent is now, and women deserve respect,” said Fourbes, in tears.
Fourbes brings up an important point – the SHARE play teaches valuable lessons about consent and understanding when it is freely given. Will administration provide any alternatives for freshmen to learn this crucial lesson? As a matter of fact…
“We will be replacing the SHARE play with an all-class walk across the Whitman Yes Bridge.
All incoming freshmen need to know about consent will be written right beneath their feet – an all-caps, impossible-to-miss YES! What better example can we give of verbal and enthusiastic consent? Nobody knows who the bridge is quoting anyway, so we might as well give it a purpose,” said Chrisgruber.
And thus, we bid farewell to the era of the SHARE play, the 3-hour long epic that defined Orientation for the Class of ’29 and its predecessors. Let us give our enthusiastic consent to the coming of this new era as we welcome the Class of ’30 next year and walk over the Yes Bridge ourselves to remember SHARE’s valuable lessons.
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