E-Bikes Contribute to Halloween Cheer by Making Everyone Afraid

by Charlotte Sussman ’29

With October 31st right around the corner, Princeton is getting into the Halloween spirit, and transportation is no exception. In a widely-circulated Instagram post from October 2nd, the Princeton E-Bikes Ensemble (PEE) announced plans to celebrate Halloween by scaring everyone. What was initially believed to be a joke turned into frightening reality when students returned from Fall Break to find E-bikes everywhere, driving in a way that could be mistaken for a Fast & Furious audition.

“It’s getting out of hand,” said Joe Josephs ‘28. “At the start of the year, they were just going around, and I was like, ‘Wow, okay, annoying,’ but that was all it was. But then, after that post, they got braver. Yesterday, one just drove right over my foot. Now it’s all red. See?” [Photos not included]

Josephs isn’t the only unhappy student. In the wake of PEE’s announcement, walkers everywhere declared plans to read their phones in the middle of the street as an act of protest. Bikers responded by completely ignoring their peers and continuing to whiz right by as if driving through an open field. 

And it’s not just on Princeton’s campus. In the last six months, 92% of all people everywhere who have ever existed reported irreversible damage to left pinky toes sustained in e-bike-related incidents, and 65% of no people nowhere who have never existed confirmed that they, too, were suffering. 

However, not everyone is upset about PEE’s participation in the Halloween festivities. The Princeton Physics Department published a statement commending PEE for “making space in Halloween celebration for everything that’s really scary” and announced plans to contribute to the holiday cheer by creating “the most frightening PSETS the world has ever seen.” 

At a club meeting on October 20th, PEE president Elizabeth “Hotwheels” Smith discussed the new movement. “Look, we just want everyone to be included in the Halloween fun,” Smith declared. “It’s not all about ghosts and zombies. We should be able to acknowledge the truly terrifying things in life. Halloween is a lot like Thanksgiving, but sinister and evil. Besides, we’re just spreading joy. Think of it like we’re saying Trick-or-Treat, but instead of Trick-or-Treat, it’s Get-Out-Of-My-Way-Or-I-Will-Obliterate-You.” 

At press time, Smith refused to answer questions, instead rolling away on a motorized tricycle.