Battling the PUB

Lucy Harper ’28 (and British)

Have you been a victim of the Princeton University Band (PUB, pronounced ‘pee-you-bee’) in the last two years? Have you accidentally told someone that you play a wind or brass instrument and been immediately added to some listserv telling you that rehearsal is at 7? Then look no further than the all new helpline ‘The PUB Support Centre’ – a 24/7 calling service to aid all musicians in need, no matter the place or time. (Charges required for those calling from Forbes).  

This all began in the bright spring of 1919 when PUB was unfortunately founded. Yes, you might believe that their cheerful smiles and unwavering support of our D1 athletes might imply that they are in some ways humanoid in behaviour, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. Here are the signs to look out for to know that you may be at risk from the PUB’s indoctrination.

1. Do you play an instrument?
2. Have you ever played an instrument?
3. Have you ever considered playing an instrument? 
4. Would you consider right now playing an instrument? 
5. Do you listen to music?
6. Have you ever listened to music before? 

The PUB members themselves might indeed have asked you these very questions. In which case, it’s already too late. 

Campus musicians have spoken out. Samanatha T., Professional Recorder Player, told the Princeton Tiger – “I don’t know how it happened. One minute I told [PUB. Member redacted] that I was thinking of joining an ensemble on campus, the next I was wearing Plaid.” Charlie C. from Butler College told us “I’d never even played an instrument before. Now I’m the PUB’s Main Lamppost Player.”

Lives changed forever, but PUB’s members are somehow dwindling in numbers despite their horrific efforts to expand. Which is why it is now more than ever important to protect Princeton Musicians.  

Call us if you feel at risk of being forced to join the insidious institution known as Princeton University Band at +1 (800) STOP-PUB. We’re here to listen. (Terms and Conditions apply to those in Forbes). 

Editor’s Note: Sadly, Lucy Harper ‘28 was quickly captured by the PUB and is now proud to have attended March Madness with them to cheer on our Women’s Basketball Team.