Danny Smiley ‘28
On March 17th, 2025, the Princeton University Office of Undergraduate Admissions announced the expansion of full financial aid to students with families earning less than exactly $200,001 per year. This statement comes just minutes after Harvard University pledged to be tuition-free to families earning less than $200,000 per year—a noticeably smaller number than Princeton’s far more generous financial aid income cap.
In the press release, Princeton’s Office of Communications acknowledged Harvard’s recent financial aid changes, stating, “While we appreciate the efforts of our fellow universities to foster a more diverse and equitable student body, it should be recognized that we’re gonna do a way better job at it than those other schools.” According to research done by the University, the one dollar increase over Harvard should mean that Princeton’s Class of 2029 will be approximately 500% more diverse and “like a bazillion times” more equitable than that of any other Ivy League, “especially those nerds up in Cambridge.”
In an exclusive Tiger Magazine interview with the Dean of Admission and Financial Aid, Karen Richardson said, “I mean, I’m sure it’s great that these kids will be poor or whatever, but the focus of this change is the continuation of the centuries-long rivalry with those inferior Ivies. With this announcement, we want to focus on what really matters to the University: petty squabbling and one-upmanship. Put simply, we’re better than everyone else, and we want to make sure they know it.” When asked about why this change wasn’t made last November, when the University of Pennsylvania also increased their financial aid income cap to $200,000, Richardson responded, “Nobody cares about that loser school. Do you seriously expect me to believe anyone would willingly go to UPenn, even with full financial aid? Have you even been to Philly?” Jalen Hurts did not immediately respond to a request for comment.
While many Princeton students seem to be grateful for the increased aid, Tiger Magazine couldn’t be bothered talking to those peasants, so instead we interviewed local bourgeois James McCosh VI ‘26. McCosh expressed his indifference to the news, saying, “yeah, I really just don’t care. Hey, you want a building named after you?”
Despite the confidence in Princeton’s superiority, rumors have begun circulating about the ⅄ale admissions department raising the financial aid income cap to $200,001.01. Tiger Magazine will continue to provide updates as events unfold.
This is staff writer Danny Smiley, signing off from the newly-renamed McCosh-Smiley Hall.
Leave a Reply