Yara Almoussa ’28
For the past 2 weeks, citizens of the world have reported a string of unexpected and terrifying events that are presumed to have originated from Princeton University. A longstanding tradition for many student organizations on the Ivy League campus, “pickups,” has seeped out of the Orange Bubble and into the rest of the world.
Club pickups at Princeton University are typically an exciting ordeal for newly-accepted members. According to Dr. Stat Estishan of the Statistics department at Princeton, an average of 9 auditions and 12+ years of experience are required to join a performing arts group. For consulting groups, the average application has at least 10 500-word essays and a required minimum salary of $500,000 per annum. Club pickups and the initiations that follow are seen as a “light at the end of a long, dark, musty tunnel” according to Charlie C. from Butler College.
“Pickups were definitely a fun way to join a new club, but I didn’t expect them to happen in the way they did,” said Charlie C. “I mean, one moment I was making out with my Marriage Pact match in the East Asian Library, and the next I was blindfolded in the back of the Band Van on my way to get waterboarded in Lake Carnegie. I didn’t even join the Band, and I have no idea how Tiger Investments got access to that van anyways.”
While this tradition may appear enthralling for Princetonians, the rest of the world is not as accustomed to these rituals.
“I was shocked,” reports Bruno Maurs. “I was at my great uncle three times removed’s funeral, and suddenly, a 5-part harmony chorus sounded into the room. They called themselves the Nassoons, or something like that. They grabbed my 4th cousin four times removed, Layton Meel, and stole him away for what they called initiations.”
Club pickups have placed strains on emergency departments as well. Nurse Pi Amsee noted a record spike in bodily injuries and shared her frustrations with The Princeton Tiger:
“These stupid fucking kids always make my job a little harder on the weekends with their alcohol poisoning and weed-induced psychosis, but now they’re doing these pickups on Tuesday evenings. I just wanted to go home before midnight, but suddenly a dozen kids from a place called, like, ‘Fern’ or ‘Vine’ club came in with broken ribs and black eyes. Apparently, for every gram of cocaine they refused to do, a current member could beat them up for a minute or so.”
While Nurse Pi Amsee describes these pickups as “hazing,” Gertie M., a recent patient at the Penn Medical Center and a member of an undisclosed Eating Club on campus, disagrees.
“This wasn’t hazing, no, not at all,” Gertie argues. “It was a challenge by choice and I could opt out the entire time. I mean, sure, I didn’t wanna get FOMO but I could’ve said no at any time! My privileges in this club would never be revoked if I said no, right? RIGHT?!”
Dates are being interrupted, funeral proceedings are disrespected, club memberships are threatened, and first responders are overwhelmed. According to TigerMag’s head chief investigator, Dr. Chi F.N. Veste-Gator, the pickups have reached every continent. From metropolitan Tokyo to rural Siberia and even Forbes, these club pickups have no constraints on where they will occur next. For now, it is best to lock your windows and doors securely, make a plan for when these pickups find you, and most importantly, refrain from joining any clubs on campus.
Oh, except for TigerMag. Join TigerMag.
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